A Realization on the Journey to Motherhood

In the last 5 years I have invited deep awareness into the ebbs and flows of my journey through life. Through the ups and downs. Through the shifts. Through the challenges. Through the transformations. Through the accomplishments. I’ve chosen to be very aware of what is happening not TO me, but FOR me. 

My intuition has become stronger and it’s given me guidance into how everything is connected. I don’t always know what that connection is right away (or sometimes ever), but I do feel that everything happens for a reason. And for the most part, I’m content just holding that thought close to my heart. 

Lessons on Connection 

I believe my entire life is a journey. All of my choices, traumas, experiences and situations are part of something bigger than myself. Much bigger. 

I really decided to commit to my journey as a whole when I left for a soul-searching adventure around the world. I like to think of my experience traveling alone for 15 months as my ‘Journey Within.’ I saw and felt first-hand how almost everything that happened during that time was for a reason. 

At first my perception of this life journey was fragmented. 

I’ll tackle sobriety as it’s own separate challenge. I’ll deal with my anxiety as it’s own separate struggle. I’ll celebrate incredible mental shifts as their own separate gifts. And so on..

What I learned however, was that these experiences in my journey were in fact very connected! Each one needed the other to transform my life in beautiful, incredible ways. 

So, I really began to understand the way the universe works FOR me. It wants me to succeed. It wants me to find the answers that are already within me. It wants me to be happy. This realization will forever fill me with a calmness, a sense of safety and self-empowerment that I previously did not know was there. I am deeply grateful for that. 

A Disconnected Fertility Journey

Now here’s the thing. As I continue to move through life’s ever-changing adventure, I sometimes find myself with the same disconnected perception. A lack of awareness and trust that pulls me back to sadness, despair and fear. 

And I have recently realized that my fertility journey has become just that. Completely disconnected from myself and the journey as a whole. 

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over 2.5 years and it’s been one of the most difficult and confusing situations we have found ourselves in. Many times it is unbearable to get our hopes up every month only to feel ‘forced’ to stay positive when the answer is once again ‘no.’ 

And confusing is the best word I can think of because I have struggled to accept that we can really only do so much. This isn’t training for a marathon-controlling our workouts and food choices. This is realizing that we really only have hope that we will fall into the 30 percent chance or less that it worked this month. We have no control over that. This confuses my mind because I’ve always believed when I want something, I can get it! And if I push hard enough I can usually get it when I want.

It’s confusing that life does not always seem fair. That some women barley have to try. That it seems like everyone else gets to start a family except us. That our loving, healthy relationship with each other and ourselves does not seem like it’s enough to bring a child into this world. 

But, what I really want to share is that I believe I have been looking at this journey of creating life, as its own separate desire. It has become fragmented once again. And that is dangerous. 

For me, it has not been a spiritual experience like almost everything else in my life. It isn’t fun anymore. It has pushed me away from myself. It has made me angry at my body. It has made me jealous. It has become things that I have worked so hard to remove from my life. And that’s sad.

Just when I thought I had this whole ‘everything is connected’ way of life figured out, I find myself in a situation where I guess I don’t. Where I once again really need to tap into the tools I have learned along the way and apply it to my fertility journey. Otherwise, my anger and sadness will distract me from the beauty of NOW. 

A Recommitment to Myself and My Journey

I will continue to give myself permission to cry and feel all that I need to feel. However, it’s also crucial that I practice gratitude and acceptance of all the wonderful things in my life to bring my mindset full circle again. So that I can reconnect with my mind, body and soul. To check in with my self-talk so I stop feeling sorry for myself and instead lift myself up. To speak kindly to myself so I truly feel that I already am a mother. And that I deserve to be. To honor the safe space I have ready for a child when he or she is ready to join us. The universe is waiting to release its plan for me…but only when I realize that it’s all part of the process. It’s all connected. 

So, I once again commit to this journey as a whole. I commit to allowing this process to be a fun, beautiful, spiritual, exciting one. To love my body. To hold and love my husband deeply. To let go of all that is out of our control. To appreciate that we hold a supportive space for one another and for our future child. 

If you are on a similar path in your fertility journey..keep your heart open and know that you truly are worthy and enough. Don’t compare yourself to what is happening in others’ fertility journey. This is YOUR own beautiful, unique journey and theirs is theirs. Give yourself grace. And truly allow yourself to recommit to your intention and all the feelings and reasons you started this adventure in the first place. 

Have you ever felt disconnected in your journey? How did you reconnect?